XVII -Caring to Bother
"...And that would've been the most impressive shot if it were to drop in!"
I was narrating the billiards match the other day to my father. The moment a pool ball loses it's contact with the table it's going to have a spin to it, taken it's hit hard enough to inflict one. After a ball stops hopping around, friction adjusts it's direction based on it's spin. That's how curve shots work.
It just so happens that this friend who shan't be named, nearly managed to pull off a perfect 90-degree angle turn, straight at the middle-hole. All by pure accident. Call it once, pass it as an accident. Call it twice, pass it as mad coincidence. Call it six tricks in a short time-span, suspect magic powers. I always had a hunch this dude might have wizard-like properties, but it's propably for the best I never find out, thus assuming my own safety.
Forms of storytelling.
Concluding this one-sided tale of awe, we proceeded to watch the movie "Shawshank Redemption", which was suggested by so many friends and relatives to me. My personal interest in watching full feature films couldn't have been lower. I take that back. There's a great amount of interest deep within but so are options. I could be watching movies and shows praised by many and I could be reading highly engaging books. It's a lengthy, agitating thought in the back of my mind. I'm mostly known for playing a large variety of different genre video games.
"But that's the worst out of the given options!"
Meh, a matter of opinion, mostly. Where movies and TV gives you knowledge and popular-culture awareness, video games train various parts of your brain. Without needless elaboration on the matter, everything has it's pros and cons. Constantly occupying your hands with something becomes a habit, let alone years of exposure to it. My mind simply cannot concentrate on the two hours of stillness without a stress relievant, such as a mass of putty, a palm exercise device or a fidget spinner for desperate times.
Watching a movie gives you a fixed time to invest as a viewer with zero participation. In case of a video game, the pace of progression is totally up to you. Without any standards for length, some video games surpass the ability of storytelling to that of a movie. Quality over quantity, sure, but be sure to give the viewer time to invest themselves in the world. Only by investing yourself in a story can you react emotionally when something "supposedly" precious is taken from you.
I've been spending a good deal of time on visual novels recently; I've become to finally understand the popular preference on books over movies. I watched an episode of a certain anime of which the visual novel was originated from. Actually vice versa to be exact. Just having watched twelve minutes, roughly the half of an episode, it had already covered a few hours of text from the novel. If I wasn't familiar with it beforehand, most of the characters would still be a total mystery to me and there's no chance I'd have any kind of sentimentality for them at this point. That is the magic of literature, where you can turn even the shortest moments alive with delicate detail of narration, in a way no motion film could.
"Miko doesn't know the reference."
That's a sort of inside joke among us. There's situations of shame where I'd just have to stare inquiringly at the person telling me a joke, knowing in adcance that I might yet again, miss the reference or the meme in question; thus completely voiding the joke. It's an unavoidable burden caused by my reluctance of watching movies everyone else have seen. Actually, the lack of desire to watch any movies at all, usually.
For a traditional yet perhaps attention-whoring review of the past week, I've got something harsh to reveal; especially for the people close to me. For those who didn't catch the hidden message in the last update, here's the answer. Taking the first word of each and every paragraph, they assemble a sentence that pretty much sums it up. "Hey I've been thinking a lot about ending my life..." That said, my head has been overflowing with suicidal thoughts, to the point it started to critically concern me.
Address your message intentionally.
I never talked about it, though, because I wanted people to notice the difference in my behaviour. The little encounters I faced during those days, however, left those hidden desires unfulfilled. I was on the edge of falling until I mentioned about it to a friend who asked rather conveniently, "Have you been ok?" rather than "How's it going?". You might not see much of a difference there but to the person you're asking, it matters. When you ask how they've been, the usual polite way to carry on the conversation is to tell them you're doing fine and nothing much is going on.
In some cultures, asking this serves as nothing more than a polite greeting. The asker is not usually prepared to hear you mourning over stuff that's not their business. A bit of an over-exaggeration in my case. However, asking whether someone is "ok" or not sounds more precise. It's a yes or no question. Where as the previously discussed question is an open-ended topic, it's completely up to the person to ask any follow-ups if someone just tells them "no".
I'm not bitching, I know people mean well regardless of the formality but there's some delicate details that should be considered. If not for practical reasons, then just for improving psychological conceptions and awareness. All knowledge is good, right? Keeps your brain active.
Back to point, we had kind of a talk about it and proceeded to play a video game and talked about our common interests, which then finally snapped me out of it. I should propably say that friend figuratively saved my life, if not for real.
Who would've known looking for a job could be so exhausting. Even when you're not looking for one, it's still exhausting. I suppose depression does that to you, regardless. Fortunately though, I've come up with some sort of plan. I have an electrician's degree, right. So what I'm going to do if I don't get employed soon enough is look into further education, getting myself a degree for..
Hang on, gotta look for the proper term... damn these fancy words, just a minute.. Electronics Technician might be the one we're looking for. You know, that guy who always knows what's wrong with your devices when you bring them for maintenance. Now, there's two options. Either I study here in my home town where I also graduated with the other degree, or.. move someplace else altogether, start a new life of my own. That idea's been going on in my mind lately. That would mean covering my own rents though, which I hoped would be split between me and "her" (whoever that might be). Perhaps in due time.
Would love to write something more, but I've recently run out of topics due to my boring life today. If you got any things to have my opinion on, you know where to hit me up.
In case you're looking, there's no implemented hidden message this time, at least nothing intentional. I guess "I it concluding meh watching I've that's for I in I'm back who hang would in it's anyway" would not make for a sensible message.
I still sleep on the floor.
It's been about six weeks now since I last slept on a soft surface (hopefully three nights slept on a hammock don't count) and I feel great. In the morning, you just need to fold you planket and the sheet under you, which can be achieved in mere 40 seconds. After that's out of the way, you got all the space you used for sleeping for something completely else. Take that bed owners! I bet you can't make your bed "disappear" like that! The more reason not to have a bed in my future apartment, a mattress at best. My future partner better be prepared for this lifestyle, at least moderately so.
Anyway, I'm impressed if you've gotten through all of this text here without regretting it. Even more so if you've read all of the entries, which consist of about 28k words. Here, have an imaginary award **hands you the award and you pin it on your shirt** It looks kinda cute on you. Wouldn't have believed it myself that I'd have this much interest in being an writer. Would be generous to thank my lovely audience and tell that all of this is thanks to you. That I won't do however, because it's my own fingers that made these texts possible, and I'm not even sure if I even got an audience to begin with. Still, much obliged. Love ya, whoever ya might be!
""Too busy" is a myth. People make time for the things that are really important to them." -Mandy Hale
What you should listen to right now to feel me: Chicken Attack - The Gregory Brothers
January 16th, 2018