XIIV -Confession

You know how I've been talking about not having depression, because the symptoms don’t add up. Rather, I’m blaming mood swings and anxiety. Today was the first time when I just couldn't get myself to get up from the floor. Yeah, I sleep on the floor. This has actually been going on for the last couple of days at least, but I've taken it as a traditional snoozing habit that I need to get rid of. This morning concerned me. Right now, I feel kind of empty. I should be doing some tasks to progress my unemployment, but right now I don't feel a drip of motivation anywhere within reach.


Last night, I went on a two hour walk. I just told my father that I needed to go burn some extra energy. "Sweet anxiety hits again" -I told him. Without further questioning, there I went. The following lines are what came to my mind during that walk.



            This is my confession. I want to come clean. I'm clingy as fuck. If I have a crush on someone or enjoy someone's company or just a certain activity, you bet I'm going to be all obsessed about it. I get all excited and such, only to see it followed by likely as strong counter-emotion, which would be exhaustion and anxiety, fittingly.


            I've just had an epiphany. This year's been the most I've ever recorded my own thoughts, my childhood is mostly just a memory by now. Reading my own words and deciphering my own actions, I've come to the conclusion that I'm trying to erase my past. I want to become anew. Get reborn. The path I’m choosing is treading that way at a frightening pace. Maybe that's what I'm meant to do.


            I wish there was someone who would ask me questions. I'm so confused right now. I'm insignificant, just like everyone else.


            Is it better to be who you are, or who you wish to be?


            Am I even that important to people?


            If the first step to resolving an issue is to recognize it, what's the second step?


            Even though I'd like to reserve a time for a therapist now, tomorrow I'll change my mind. These thoughts are completely mood-dependent, much like my will to exercise so intensely.


            I feel like I am, too, a victim of my own personality traits. I don't want to let my own thoughts and faults control myself.


            I've already been accused of being too clingy, I'll torture myself inside by not sending a message rather than take the accusation again.



Not sure if there's anything more to add there. These were written as I walked and thoughts popped up. I just wish there was a way to get rid of the thoughts that make you sad. As I said, I don't want to let it control myself and always recognize if there's a problem. I just sometimes feel like I've got none to talk to, because not everyone cares and all we've got our own problems. Compared to others, I ain't nothing special.


I feel sad when I'm alone, single, when I'm feeling like there's no one for me.


I also feel sad when I'm starting to know someone but uncertainty fills me when the interest doesn't feel mutual. Someone wise once said: "Why make life difficult? Got questions? Just ask." And that is true. I just start to feel clingy again if I stress these issues at such an early phase.


I am not a bad person, we all got our problems and I'm fighting like hell to get rid of mine. If I end up driving people away, I could never forgive myself. Time to get positive. Time to get those tasks done and develop my skills. Time should not go to waste. Thanks for reading.







December 12th, 2017

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