II -Consciousness

Consciousness is an extremely complex thing. Can be quite a douche, if you ask me. Consciousness is what keeps you in place, or out of place. Your state of sanity, ability to function and flow of emotions, all go through your consciousness. Sane people usually have pretty fluent control over their general state of mind. I'd like to consider myself as one.


Even though I am a rather emotional dude, whatever bugs me usually passes when I get to have a thorough conversation about it with a close person. Not-so-usually there's things that keep agitating my mind no matter what I do. What sucks about that? Not being able to talk about it without feeling like a burden.


I'm still upset about the breakup. Not in a shock-depressive state anymore, but enough to keep me awake at nights. Like fuck, I'm really starting to dread the thought of being forced to rely on some.. sleeping pills. Ugh.. Even saying that makes my stomach ache. No, I have never taken a melatonin tab or the like. It's all about principle. If I take one now, who is to say I don't become dependent. An exaggeration, sure, yet a real concern for me.

Falling asleep.

In my family, children are taught to fall asleep in from of what they call "the program". Basically just a movie played to them until they doze off. Even I used to do this at a young age. That was until reasoning kicked in. I was finally able to think for myself, make my own decisions. At around junior-high age, I started to take notice on my sleeping habits. Falling asleep in front of flashing pixels is not natural. No longer did I need a screen to pitch in order for me to catch some Zs. Even to this day, I simply cannot sleep if it's not pixel-free.


I'm writing this from my room's floor, only a thin layer of mattress pad from my bed separating my bare back from this chilly floor. Insomnia strikes again. Some people say it's the floor. "If you own a bed, why won't you sleep on it?" In my opinion, you should occassionally try sleeping on the floor, it's good for your body. Also, I've had a bed replaced by a hammock for a few years, so sleeping in an ordinary bed is not mandatory for me.


I think it's good for you to step out of your comfort zone every once in a while and try new things. It's the stream of woes that keep me awake. Well, it's the middle of the night. It's not like I could call anyone and make them listen to all my troubles for the fifth time. That's why I keep writing here, to the passive audience. I seem to be able to write only when I got something heavy on my mind.

Let's talk online dating.


You should never try to get into a new relationship before fully detaching from the previous one. It may end up badly for you. What'll happen is you expect to find exactly what you saw in your ex, which is damaging and a waste of time. I personally feel good progress in said topic. I'm prepared to meet someone new, and even had some conversations already.


What irritates me the most is how every female I meet appear so reserved and simply not interested. Easiest excuse is these people just happen to be this way, but when you use a dating app like Tinder, you'd expect to have some sort of desire to keep the conversation a mutual dialogue. Maybe it's the chatting culture in general. They might have other things going on. Still, I can't recall getting any self-initiated reply from any woman, too often even from my ex-girlfriend. I just don't get it. Maybe it's just a matter of pride, I dunno.


(Hello, future me commenting here! Looking back, I had many misconceptions regarding the online dating community and how it operates. First of all, be forgiving and give yourself time. Back then I blindly bought my own lies. It was only about a year later when I kind of got over the breakup. I may never completely do. You may think you're getting over it by feeling good about discovering new potential mates, which may only come to show your loneliness. Because let's face it, the end of a long intimate relationship marks a tremendous change.


I've also gotten familiar with the many shades of people using dating platforms, such as Tinder. Not everyone is using the platform to seek out similar things, some might even hang there ironically. I still agree to the notion that chatting is an inferior manner of communication for the sake of communicating your message. It's easier to hide yourself behind an internet alias than face-to-face.)


Sometimes people who see a phychiatrist are labeled as mentally unstable or "crazy" people. While it's true that these individuals may not be capable of carrying out their daily lives or having a job, rarely these people willing to seek help for their conditions are deemed unpredictable or dangerous. I've had no real opinion on folks who attend therapy sessions on a regular basis.


In recent years I found out that a member of my family does just that. Yeah, I knew they weren't the most uplifted person on earth, but little did I know they see a psychiatrist way more often than me, for example. These people are just like the rest of us, they just have troubles with their minds.


Up lately, I've been thinking myself of reserving a time to the municipal health center's psychiatric department. What a mouthful. Whenever people ask, I like to think of myself as mostly optimistic and a happy person. While this is just a phase I'm having, the risk of depression scares me a bit. Today I'm more confident whenever feeling this way. Also the fact that I don't mind so much about what other people think is also a huge morale boost. You know, "everything will turn out okay" and stuff like that. Makes you forget about all the excessive sweating and stressing about what you did wrong. Self-awareness is essential, but needless in situations that don't really matter.

Can you relate?


So yeah, a load off my mind again for someone to read. I'll figure out if it's necessary for me to go see a professional. Meanwhile, wish me luck fixing my sleep schedule and trying to forget about the past two years of my life.


Also, I would love to hear if anyone can relate to the crap I'm posting here. Contact me via Email or leave a comment. Thanks, love ya!







October 4th, 2017

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