XI -Coping

This is a continuation to yesterday's grim update about the death of a family relative.


If you haven't read that one, it might be a tad difficult to stay fully on board. In the previous post, these recent tragedies were introduced. But just as a tl;dr to you:


My fatherside family was ongoing difficulties relating to the loss of a long-term pet, a family member being operated at our local hospital and the death of my sister's ex-fianceé with whom she had two children. Everything happening almost simultaneously. Hopefully this will be the last we'll hear from any of this in this blog.


I slept for a good three hours the night before the last and woke up at seven AM and been awake since, save for an hour nap on the couch and finally getting some more rest the same evening. The children looked so happy and energetic in the morning, completely in the dark of what's ahead when they come back home. In the morning we also discovered the cause of death, which would set our minds totally backwards on the whole matter. At least to me it did. He was with his family the day it all happened, but his family has nothing to do with it. For the sake of privacy and respect for the relatives, I will not leak any details.


At this time I was swearing to myself in my head. I can't imagine the horror the family must have experienced that day. No one should have to experience anything of the sort. I've seen a set of parents experience the death of their child; the child happened to be my best friend in elementary school. It's cruel.


Just a personal sidenote. It's bizarre when you think about it.. What were you doing when this kind of stuff happens? I personally was organizing the rest of my things back home, completely unaware of what news I'm brought just a couple hours later. Now I'm a significant part in consoling and delivering the message. You just never know, there might be something happening right now that you have no idea about.


Although I am able to occupy my mind with other matters and completely forget about any of this happening, everytime I feel the grim atmosphere amongst us, I, too am pulled back to reality. Perhaps I'm also going through some sort of denial phase. We're all experiencing high levels of anxiety from having to tell the children about the death of their father. We don't even know how to address the issue. They get out of school at different times, which makes it even tougher for us.


I tried imagining a scenario where their father would just walk right in and everything would be like nothing ever happened. That thought gave me a moment of extreme relief. You know, the kind when you're having a terrible nightmare and wake up realizing it was all a dream. Only difference is, we ain't dreaming.


Fast forward an hour and the deed is done. I had different expectations of what would actually happen when they were told the truth. Indeed, these children are very active and needy but not insensitive. Perhaps not as sensitive as children I meet usually, but still very vulnerable to news like these; like you and I would be. I did not expect them to be positive and carry on as normal right afterwards. I'm only mentioning this because that's what kinda happened.


Honestly, no one around would have any clue as to what response they would carry, because this type of situation hasn't happened to us before. It must take a while for a child to get over the denial and internalize the matter. It's hard to remember because I was tearing up myself just then.


Just a while before, I tried to search for guidance on Google from people who's gone through a similar situation. One article told about a woman with two young children, with their father suffer a head concussion right before them and passing away later in the hospital. When the mother had to inform her children, the response was terrifyingly similar.


            "As I imparted the life-shattering news, they stared at me for a few seconds before asking hopefully, "Can we go and watch telly now …?" Which is precisely what they did." -Barbara Want. (The Guardian - "How do you tell children their father is dead?" 29th April 2011)


What is important at times like these is to be there for those children. They might have widely different reactions. Some might become hyperactive and over-positive Some just deny the truth and make-believe themselves to be able to meet with the person again or reach them through a telephone. Some children might put their defense on. Some just realize it right there; which would've met our expectations.


Whichever reaction you receive, however, doesn't necessarily mean that the person wasn't important to them, quite the opposite. They just need lots of time, and when the moment comes, an adult who will be there for them. It's nothing different apart from us grown-ups. The process usually follows the same pattern, regardless of person.


I'm trying to avoid writing long posts with little content. Quality over quantity. Might not be a good thing to mention but I feel like everything that can be stated about this incident has already been told. Perhaps that's for the best. No need to turn a rusty dagger inside the stab wound. I'm constantly concerned whether someone involved will find this too personal and revealing. If that were to be the case, I'm forced to take it down or trim out some parts at least.


My father commented my blog on his, that I'm "almost brutally honest and extremely brave when he tells stories about a broken heart." His work can be found at worldisaweiredplacetolive.blogspot.fi. He writes about strange stories and events. He writes mostly in Finnish but also has a small collection of posts written in English, in this international-friendly and internet-age language.


Someone could find it disrespecting to leak all this info out into the real world, but that doesn't mean I'm not precautious. There's so much more to be said, for I am an endless mess when it comes to discussing deep matters. But let's not forget the golden rule, which in this case would be to respect the dead and their kin. Thanks for your interest, it's a valuable thing to have. I'm still struggling to make this blog grow. Baby steps, baby steps. Love ya! And stay safe, ya hear okay? Okay.

This tribute was written in memory of the deceased in question.



Song in memory of: Illusion – VNV Nation



He had his flaws and hardships, but his love towards his family was undeniable. May he be remembered not for the bad times, but for the good ones. After all, that's how we all want to be remembered.



"If you want to fly on the sky, you need to leave the earth. If you want to move forward, you need to let go the past that drags you down." -Amit Ray



What you should listen to right now to feel me: Setting Sail, Coming Home – Darren Korb







December 5th, 2017

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