X -Death

This post was brought to you by an unwarranted series of events.


You see, this week has been an extremely trying experience for me to observe, my close relatives to experience and everyone involved to be a part of. Before I get into that, let it be told that I've finally finished my moving operation. It took four car-loads of things to get everything transferred and that's only counting the loose items and leaving several pieces of furniture unaccounted. They will hold still until I ultimately find an apartment of my own. I am relieved to have gotten it over with and subsequently getting a chance to turn a new page in my life, at long last.


However, it's also apathic to have this major change in my life. Like anything, letting go of a big part of your childhood is very difficult to handle and foremost, to execute. I just have to tell myself to be brave and optimistic. Nothing has ended, only changed.


Earlier today, as I was unpacking the rest of my belongings and organizing my new room to be fit for living, there was deep silence in the apartment I now call home. It felt like there was an absence of something, or someone. Our household includes a total of five plus two plus two residents. Just recently, that total was decreased by one. As recently as yesterday, in fact.


You see, our dog was put down yesterday morning, for she suffered severe joint problems. For the sake of privacy towards the owners of the dog, of whom can regardless of my attempts to stay hidden be still found through my public relation, the dog shall remain unaddressed. I will never reveal any names in these updates. Although I apologize for sharing these insights to the public web, it's an inevitable part of me to get my messages across. After a long observation, the best advice was to let her go. If she didn't have the strength to walk without limbing, that's no life worth living.


I guess it was predictable in the near future for she was already twelve and a half years old. In human years, it would calculate to almost ninety years. She lived a good life, will be remembered warmly for her unforgettable presence and gentleness everyday. We all wish her good runs in the dog heaven. For the sake of a thoughtful speech, I'm willing to believe that.


It was perfectly understandable that there was a gloomy atmosphere in our household. Respect for the dead. On top of that, one dear member of our family was ongoing a back surgery at the time. The initial surgery was scheduled to be carried out on Wednesday. There was a slight problem during the operation, which was to be patched by a follow-up surgery two days later. By the time my moving was finished, he's been fortunately operated and will be discharged tomorrow afternoon as planned.


This family was experiencing the worry of surgical treatment, loss of a long-term pet and I was having mixed feelings about viewing the whole chain of events from the side and leaving my childhood home behind.


Late evening, I was enjoying a freshly released video game I had desperately anticipated. With my room finally organized and all the gadgets in order, I tried to shut myself from the world around me and sink in to the game. Then, my phone rang. Unsuspecting, I answered like I always would.


            “Hello, dad.“

            "I have some.. shocking news to tell you."


At this point there was a wild storm of thoughts passing me by. Has something happened, is everyone alright? It's not usual to hear these words from someone in your daily life, I knew something was wrong.


            "What's going on?" is all I could utter.

            "Your sister.."


Oh my god, what had my mind had deducted so far? There had to be a message of grief ahead of me. Right I was, just for different reason.


            "Your sister told me the father of her children has been found dead."


I dropped the video game. I wasn't that close with the person, but to hear the word "dead", there's just no way putting it lightly.


            "Sorry, what?? There's no way", I heard myself mutter.


Sadly, it's true. It's not even that long since I saw him. When you see a person just two days before, it's significantly more disturbing to hear news like these in contrary to not having faced them in many years. This would have been true just three days earlier. You just cannot imagine them being really eternally gone.


It was eleven o'clock in the evening, but I promised to come over immediately without hesitation. First couple of kilometers, I ran. Then I took a cab to get there. These next several days are going to be hard as hell on my psyche. To be honest, I'm propably the one least affected by this, alongside with my father. We're here to support, that's of utmost importance. What is making me shiver the worst by far, is the upcoming moment of when we have to tell the children. My niece and nephew. How do you just tell a child that their father is dead? That is the moment I dread the most. Nonetheless, it must come out eventually.


Seeing my sister so deep in shock is really a frightening sight. Knowing her history, what she's been through makes me want to yell at lady destiny herself to cut my sister some fucking slack. Watching from the side, I just can't help feeling I haven't done enough as her brother. For many years, I've always felt like I owe her for the past years, because I haven't visited her as often as I should have and been there for her.


Let's face it, it's true that I've been an arrogant and selfish child in the past and now I'm trying to make up for it. It's kind of sad when a person feels this way about themselves, but as one of my Instagram posts once said,


"A few years back, I wouldn't have believed to change so drastically. Today, I wish to look at my younger self and say that person was not me."


With a color-enhanced picture of my first electronic Yamaha keyboard blurred on the sides, that's what it said. Now, I guess is the time to have some sort of redemption. After all, she was there for me when I was experiencing a similar sense of loss, few months back.


I seriously don't want to sound narcissistic, but my experience here seeing her like this kind of reminds me of myself during my time of grief. Right now we're at the first stage, denial. Signs of the Kübler-Ross model right there, or more commonly known as the five stages of grief.


If you've been reading this blog, you might know my view on the matter. I've had to think about death for myself in rather large quantities for the past years, for unspecified reasons. That is propably why I'm approaching this incident from another angle. Though it's hard to say for sure, considering I wasn't that close with the victim lately.


In the end, the only thing we can do is continue forward together as a family, minute at a time if needed. Sorry for the clumsy form of sentence structure, this ain't exactly the time to be poetic. Actually, this post was written as a complete surprise. Anyway, this week is going to be a trying one, to say the least.


I had a bigger picture in my mind about the things I'll discuss in this quick update, but after sleeping through the night, my mind's been blank mostly. Perhaps I'm in some sort of denial as well, being it's difficult to imagine this all being true. Next steps are anger, bargaining, depression and finally down the far lane, acceptance. I may be a heartless beast with no emotions, but I also want to be aware of what's happening and what's ahead.


That's all for now. if something noteworthy occurs as it most likely will, I'll continue the next night with a follow-up update. Otherwise, I'll go back to my other drafts as soon as possible. I'm afraid the worst is yet to come, for we still have to tell the children about the passing of their father. Until then, let's hold a moment of silence to honor the dead, for they know what's on the other side.



God speed and bless. Thank you for placing your interest in these insights once again, I'll never grow out of showing my gratitude towards my readers. Love ya all, stay safe.



"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." -Vicki Harrison



What you should listen to right now to feel me: Human – Ken Arai







December 3rd, 2017

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