XVI -Hopes 'n Dreams
Hey hey hey, it's Mikkelson in the house! “Or so I would declare if I ever were to arrive home at a reasonable time." -I thought while slowly closing the front door not to upset anyone, unintentionally waking them up. The time is 3 o'clock. Whether that's considered night or morning is entirely up to you. It's incredible how much prices have dropped in bus tickets. Traveling from the capital back home takes about six to seven hours to get there, depending on the travelplan. The 50-ish Euros you had paid in the years prior has turned into 10-15 Euros, with few lucky exceptions of 4,50€ bargains. If you're namely just that, lucky.
I've been living the time of my life since I've been fearing to become employed at anytime. My most recent attraction was spending the whole night at a hotel reception. I've always been one for odd plans and when my sister (works at the same hotel) jokingly pleaded me to keep her company through her night shift, to her surprise I was up for it. It's been likely three weeks since the thought of repairing my sleep cycle popped in my mind. Progress since then, you ask? Well, hang on for a minute while I search for the right word.. "abysmal", I think. Yeah, that sounds about right. For some reason, I find myself going to sleep parallel with the sun rising to laugh at me. Take that statement with a grain of salt; it's Winter at the moment and we get only about six hours of daylight. It's rather disappointing. Anyone living around these latitudes knows exactly what I mean. On top of that, the sun doesn't laugh, silly. It only looks down on us, with pity.
Been planning on some big trips lately. Just a few days back I had an excruciating urge to travel somewhere east, like Korea, China, Malaysia, India, or most importantly, Japan. If I were to list all the places I wish to visit during my lifetime, it'd make more sense only to mention the places I don't. I'm a fan of backpacking and traveling on a whim. It'd be easy for me to adjust because I already sleep on the floor and find it rather easy to communicate with new people, on the presumption we had a topic to discuss.
Thinking back, I never had a "plan". Like, when someone asks you "where do you see yourself ten years into the future?", I'd just get nervous and have absolutely no fucking clue. Although I still don't have any foresight what I'd become in that time, if someone asked me the same question today, I'd still have the exact same response. The only difference would be that I won't feel guilty and I'd have a confident smirk on my face as I proceed to say "I have no idea!". In reality, I have too many ideas, just not a complete one. Taking into account the fact I hate having things too tidily planned beforehand, that would propably never become reality.
A lot of dreams go to waste. The handy guy next door didn't become a known innovationist because you and your friend people thought the talking wristwatch he invented would be "too embarrassing" to use in public. Your cousin's best friend's older brother didn't become a film-maker because he didn't know how to edit videos properly. Just because he was just a beginner. And I didn't become a pianist because I play "the wrong kind of music". Wait, that never happened.. I might still have a chance. The point is, many abandon their hopes and dreams because someone thought there was no way something like that would get them somewhere. "Quit wasting your time on this stupid stuff and get back to doing something useful like being a proper member of society and get a job!" Sorry for sounding so narrow-minded, but I've kinda seen it happen. People getting stuck somewhere, instead of moving where they wish to be. Just because they're too afraid of the risks and leaving all their loved ones at home. Sometimes the odds are good enough. Succeeding and finding your place doesn't happen overnight and most certainly requires a hell lots of potency and determination.
About that.. Having a limited vocabulary really sucks. Weak database on common knowledge on top of that just makes things worse. You see, because I kind of "skipped" the whole nine years of grade school and junior high, I lack trivial and common knowledge. The fact that I don't know shit is common knowledge. Although I'm steadily improving, there's a lot to do. Should propably take on reading some books and whatnot.
Ending the previous year with a literal blast, it was also the high point where I'd leave that horrible year behind me. I don't believe in such artificial borderlines. But I just have to admit, last year was most propably the worst thus far. Without needing to elaborate, I'm really looking forward to what the future has in store for me. Perhaps I'd find someone special who is willing to take on the world as a grand challenge with me and introduce me to yet another world of mysteries and thoughts. Perhaps I really do become a decent pianist and get to roam the world doing what I love. Perhaps I'll write a successful novel or my blog will go viral. The possibilities are endless. Just don't play the wrong note and let it kill you.
My journey is soon coming to an end. This bus ride has made it possible for me to write again and be reminded what it's like to have a numb bottom. Soon the seven hours are over and we're back to where we started. I'd walk on my toes, avoid making noise in order to offer a restful night for those who accompany me every day. Debate with myself whether to sleep or be "productive". Spread the planket sheet on top of my carpet and lie down to the non-cushioned surface that is my 'bed'. Just enough layers to not make my bones touch the hard floor, enough to make it comfortable. I'd wake up the next morning and have troubles rising up in the first couple of hours, an experience I haven't had before. Would I eventually get stuck in depression's grasp and finally be able to feel how those people deal with their lives. I'm not sure, but it's not common to be unsure about that. I just want to be happy and not talk about the negative. Get out of my head. Currently, it's relieving to not feel anxiety, but the intimacy I also had is gone.
Life is, after all, just temporary. We are on borrowed time. Better to enjoy it to the fullest and have no regrets. Be like you are and do what you do. Indeed, the previous statement stays true until something happens, rendering it false.
... Well, that's a load off my mind. Been kind of missing this sensation. Dunno if you got my message, but it's not relevant. When I miss a point, it's usually because I missed the big picture. Start and finish can never meet and what's in the halfway is only the informant. Literature never forgets what is written, it is the true form of photographic memory. Paper cares, paper knows. If you forget, it's always there for you to recollect. Sometimes, the right path is a change of pace. Other times, it's a change of face. Nothing is futile unless judged so. We have a saying that goes.. Sorry, I have a bad memory and it shows. Carry on that endless dialogue in your head, I'll wrap this up and go straight to bed.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying." -Oscar Wilde
What you should listen to right now to feel me: My Ordinary Life - The Living Tombstone
January 8th, 2018