I -Broken man's elegy
Deep down, we're all alone. Have you thought about it? It might be difficult for some people to imagine death as the ultimate void. When you disconnect from your brain the moment you die, your soul drifts away and consciousness disappears. I don't believe in afterlife; reincarnation at best.
Humans are social animals, designed to work together in the modern world and interact with each other. I personally find the presence of another human being comforting, be it a friend or stranger, partner or a family member. That sensation of not being alone; for an extrovert like me, it's relieving.
It's not like I hate being alone with myself. I truly am proud of my appearance and what I've become and can love myself, something which can be a difficult concept for others. It's just that I feel no me-time can replace the time spent on building relationships and having great experiences with others. Even I from time to time need some time for myself, but in smaller quantities.
It feels very strange, to be honest. I kinda spent my youth playing video games and being inside, mostly alone. I didn't mind. What makes it peculiar indeed is this major shift in my character, how today I always need to have someone with me. Many friends I've talked to tell how they enjoy socializing, sure, but when they get back home at their own peace, that when they recharge. I gotta admit, the thought of me surfing on the web (or what suits you best), doing anything I like and listening to whatever I wish without regarding anyone else, sounds appealing. To me, I cannot enjoy it for long periods of time. And by a long period, I mean like a full day. Mmhmm, I know.
I dunno, some people might relate to it. I personally just haven't met the person. I used to love playing games alone and having 'personal experiences'. You know, being able to suck in the story just how you like it. Whilst today I've come to enjoy sharing that said experience with a friend much more. When you share that journey with someone, you can discuss it with them and have some inside jokes about it too. That way it doesn't go in vain just because no one knows what you're talking about.
I still have warm memories of so many games I used to play alone. To be honest, those games might just make up for about 75% of all the games I've beaten. What specifically stick to my mind was a conversation with a friend of mine who in reality I don't even see that often. During that conversation he told me that being around people is fun and all, but at the same time, energy-draining. To me, that doesn't happen.
This summer, I had a chapter in my life that lasted for one month. It was full of adventures and events. As I recall it, I didn't have a single day, probably more than a few hours of alone time. You know what, that month was spectacular. I got to travel during that time and see many people I haven't seen in a while. I felt alive being out there, away from home. Only things that made me miss being home was home itself, but more importantly, my beloved girlfriend.
Got kinda off-topic here. Back to this friend I was speaking of. Although we've talked only like four times this past year, we share that level of deepness in thoughts that allow all those great conversations to happen. We're discussing everything from childhood memories to how we view the world. Random topics, I know. He has helped me figure out myself as a character.
He told me, "From what I've seen and heard, you put effort in your relationships and friendships. You do not want to get lost in your own thoughts, being what they are. You have principles and are not afraid to stand out." Okay, maybe not those exact words. This "friend" that I'm referring to, may just be the compilation of all the people dear to me. They console me during these difficult times, telling me that I will find someone who is the one for me and will stay by my side no matter what. That I am worth something. I know that the world doesn't spin around me, but after my breakup I've been lost like never before.
I know it sounds melodramatic, but it's true. I like to imagine myself as that friend you can tell everything to. After all, talking about deep stuff is kinda what I do the best. I know of some shallow people who only reveal their surface. Me being the kind of person who just cannot be shut up if there's something on my mind, it's extremely difficult for me to comprehend how these people go on about their daily lives.
To me, being open about things is a blessing and a curse. I may open my mouth to the wrong people, or I might bother them to the point of becoming a nuisance. I have done some very questionable choices in the past. I'm no saint. If you got anything on your mind and need someone to talk to, I try my best not to judge. I want to help the people I care about, if I'm able. In return I've had all those people console me now that I need it the most. Being alone in a sense is, well, lonely..
You see, I believe it all goes back to the year 2013, when I began to question my lifestyle. I had just started vocational school studying to be an electrician. Back then, I didn't care as much about socializing with people and mostly spent my time home playing video games. For many years I wished for a girlfriend to just magically pop into my life because I was too shy to ever initiate a conversation. You know, the way some prefer waiting for someone to ring their doorbell rather than going out themselves.
I didn't seem to realize if a girl drops hints at me, or just be too isolated in my mind to handle it. My biggest problem with dating is my incapability to show interest. I always keep myself friendzoned. For an indoor geek like me who has never really had any close friends of the opposite sex, talking to girls always makes me nervous. Thankfully there's been a major increase in my self-esteem levels since those days, but it happens still.
Confidence is key. Now that I've gone through two years of relationship experience, I feel like it's going to be much easier from now on. Also I'm not overweight anymore and dress more appropriately, so there's that. All those years ago I started to make some changes.
It all started with my excessive amount of belongings. I had countless numbers of old toys and gadgets that hadn't served me purpose for as long as I remember. Trinkets that I've forgotten even existed. It started with small items being thrown away. I felt a sense of satisfaction in what I was doing. I needed more. During these past four years, I've gotten rid of more than 50-60% of my keepsake, yet I haven't lost anything. More like gained the ability to appreciate life without all the material belongings weighing down.
More does not always mean better, unless it's experience. I wish more people around me would take notice. I know many people who struggle to keep their stuff organized in their 'small' closets and cupboards. Yet people still buy things they don't need. Welcome to the mind of a minimalist.
When I started vocational school, it seemed like a brand new start in a brand new school for me. New friends, no one knows anything about me. No prejudice, I loved it. I started socializing more with my new acquaintaces and got some new close friends in the process.
In 2014 began the phase that continues to this day when I became active outside of the house. Bicycle became my new best friend. The distance I used to travel by train was now my usual biking route. That fall I lost almost ten kilograms. Some friend called me a sport-a-holic, which served me right. I would actually feel my conscience poking me with a four-inch rusty nail whenever I was considering taking a public transport instead of using the bike. To be honest, I wish more people were like me. I know some folks who won't go to their next door convenience store without using a car, it's ridiculous.
What I've learned from all this is to enjoy life as it is and expand your view of the world as a large place filled with opportunities to see and try new things. Of course, this kind of lifestyle doesn't appeal to everyone, I get it. Just what I've seen around me, getting to live with less stuff helps with many things, including getting out of the house more often and money management. For you people who struggle to keep their homes always so tidy, with less things there's less to clean.
Even now that I am moving away from the home I've lived in for the last 13 years, I still feel like I have too many possessions. From what I've gathered so far, I have about a thousand items and counting. That might sound much, but when you count every single CD-case and decoration item, it really piles up. I am even willing to say that many people who don't practice this lifestyle and have their own house/apartment, the number possessions might rise up to six-digit numbers.
Still I feel that I own too much material belongings. Might be because the room I'm moving in is considerably smaller than my current one. Everything at it's own pace, I suppose.
Nevertheless, I am moving from my mother's apartment to my father's apartment a town away. So yeah, not much is going to change in terms of independence. Gotta admit, this whole sudden urge to move away is in direct sequence with the breakup with my now-ex-girlfriend. Things are complicated and our breakup just broke my life. I need to get a new start, a new chapter.
You know, I knew I was going to move to another city, but that was back when we planned to move together with her, opposite direction of where I'm heading now. I am not prepared to live on my own; not that I ever wanted to. You just feel secure when you have someone to share a home with, and split the expenses. Living by yourself is costly and lonely.
When I'm alone, I tend to think about time and how I keep "wasting" it. That is the problem, I cannot truly enjoy life the way I am. As mentioned above, I don't believe in a grand place where people gather when they die to live a happy afterlife, I just don't. Nor do I believe that anything you do really matters, because we're just as insignificant pieces of life form as there is. No I don't blame if your beliefs differ from mine.
As long as personal opinions don't harm others, I'm totally behind that. Yet I can't stop thinking about it. Not the afterlife part, but thinking about death and what I'm doing with my life. You see, there's not a single day when aging and not doing anything "significant" doesn't cross my mind. I'm only twenty years old, my whole life ahead of me, and I already feel so fucking old. As I see it, when you turn twenty, only way is down. Slowly, but surely.
I really enjoyed that I could settle down in my relationship and not stress with seeking a partner. Now that I'm alone once again, it only reminds me that we really are alone. You know, the type of alone we become when we ultimately leave this existence. Having someone to share your life with helps mask that truth; it is the only way for me to be truly happy. Not only that, now I'm stuck forced to spend my youth searching for that special someone and rebuild that bond I've been building the last two years.
Of course, now I'm 'free' to do whatever I want without having to consider anyone. But to me, it's not that important. Some people think of casual dating and partying as fun and games, I'm just not that kind of person.
If you're sick of me talking about my ex-relationship, why are you still reading?
Sorry, just needed to get that out in the open. Anyway, back to the point. The two years I was in a relationship was everything I ever asked for. The sensation of that special someone, who would listen to your every trouble and be there for you no matter what was incomparable. I finally felt like I was living the life I've been searching for.
Every relationship has their hardships, and oh boy were there a few. However, it never outscored the happiness I essentially felt during those two years. In my personal opinion, if you truly love someone and have the will to work for your relationship, it is most certainly worth saving. Of course, the feeling must be mutual.
I loved her.
During my two years of being in an intimate partnership with my special someone, I've pondered countless times if we were meant for each other. Some people may say we're better off with another people, some on the other hand saw us as the couple they imagined being together always. Tell you the truth, I agree with the latter. When you have that connection with someone so deep that you trust them with anything you could think of, that's true love right there.
My now-former-partner was the most relevant and important person in the whole wide world for me. She knows me through and through and has seen emotions I've never showed to another human. She was special. She was mine and I was hers.
Then the harsh reality comes in. One of us might have hurt the other. That sense of love might have burned out. Both parties might have realized they were not exactly happy with the relationship. They might not have as much in common. Some third party might have entered the ring and stolen the heart of your spouse. The reasons are endless.
Some breakups result from mutual lack of feelings, some may be caused by one person ending it.
In my case, it's the latter. It hurts the most when you'd think everything is stable and good, but one day you hear the cold truth from your loved one. The don't love you anymore. That's it, there's nothing you can do. You know it's going to hurt like hell, perhaps so bad you're considering suicide. I know, I've been there. As I'm writing this part, it's been only five days since we officially broke up.
It's not the end of the world, even I know that. I just feel so lonely these days. Not that I have actually been alone a moment longer. I feel empty because I don't have that lifeline anymore that could solve all my problems. Yes, lifeline. That's how much I invested my feelings into this person. I don't have any real interest in finding a new job or just generally do anything with my life, it all just feels pointless.
My lesson here is communication. Despite the fact I talk more than I probably should, if communication in your relationship is flawed, it's not going to work. That's what I've learned. I'm the kind of person who simply cannot be shut up if there's something bothering me. I just can't. I over-analyze people's behavior around me, the tone they talk to me with, everything.
Even with my former girlfriend, if there's something I think she might be mad at or just plain upset, I would try to get her to talk about it and persuade her to really trust me with anything, that I'll be there always for her. That's just the way I am. When I care about someone, especially my significant other, I am willing to do anything in my power to win their utmost trust. I want them to be able to tell me anything and not feel judged. When I love, it's real.
It's just unreal how the people you thought you mattered the most to, can act like nothing ever happened between you two. Worst emotional pain I can think of.
So many confused feelings right now. At least at times, I've gotten more positive from the idea of my new love. I see it in my mind. Through my Tinder profile (yes, I do have that) which clearly shows my intentions of what I'm looking for. Not wanting to curse my previous relationship, but the perfect person for me would have to be significantly different.
She would be open to spontaneous ideas, such as nightly walks or going to play some sports or take a hike without having anything planned beforehand. Also like I stressed before, I want a woman who is able to tell me her every concern and clearly let me know if something bothers her. Whoever she might be in the future. I will be there for her no matter what. I want a woman who accepts me through every emotion I encounter, including having a really bad time and being able to openly cry on her shoulder.. Who knows, maybe we'll even cry together. Just thinking about all this makes me so happy.
What warms me the most is just planning how I'll handle the first dates. Like, we meet at some café or similar. We'll begin to talk about things and get to know each other, perhaps if it rolls well I'll even throw some flirt in to the mix. When I get her attention and know she starts to like me, I'd suggest taking a stroll through the streets or by some lake, if she's not in a hurry. We'll be talking about stuff, kinda bonding. That's actually kinda what I do with all of my friends, excluding the flirting part.
At the end of the date if we're sitting close I kiss her gently on the cheek or hand and give her a lovely smile. Then the usual "call me/text me" before I walk off, hoping to leave an impression that keeps her having those butterflies for a while. When we finally meet privately at my place, I'll have some candles prepared and if I know her well enough, some calm music playing she might like. I've heard a lot of girls like wine, so I'll have some waiting to be served. As we get to drink the wine, I'll just express my disliked taste for wine, just to get a little laugh for the sake of getting out of my way to get some anyway.
Oh my, I can't wait till I get to put these plans into action. I just hope that my appearance and base-personality alone helps to even get that far.
Perhaps the most painful thing being alone that occurred to me, is that you no longer have that emergency contact you can dial whenever you need to. That and the fact you're forced to sleep alone every night. Like, spooning is the best feeling in the world, especially when you're sleeping. I miss the figure in front of me.
Thus far, I've enjoyed writing this down, and kinda wish to someday read this aloud on Youtube or something. The thing is, I have a stutter and it gets worse when I try to talk in English. I'm Finnish myself, so you understand why.
As days pass, I'll keep writing my thoughts down. Just recently, I met a German woman about my age at my grandmother's fast food restaurant. It's quite obvious to everyone that she does not speak English, nor understand it. She's the kind of person who tries to speak slowly and clearly, in the delusion of a foreign individual understanding our language better. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
I was talking about my grandmother, not the German woman.
Anyway, I began translating for her order and initiated a conversation. An attractive foreign woman who speaks fluent English; what's not to like? We discussed for almost an hour, until she left by train to a city, one stop away. We exchanged phone numbers and if I remember correctly, she even suggested that we meet again someday. She works here, just not sure if temporarily or permanently.
What I learned from meeting this woman, it felt so good to finally speak English with someone who doesn't know Finnish. I wouldn't mind ditching my native language to speak and write English full-time. After I drifted apart with a foreign friend I used to be close with, there wasn't really anyone who I could practice my language skills with. Seldom did I communicate with my other internet friends so I had no real reason to speak English with anyone.
Actually talked with my brother about this matter. While he likes to write his thoughts and poems in our language, I despise doing so. Well anyway, I wouldn't be writing this in English if I didn't fancy the language so much. Sometimes I've even thought of moving abroad, which would make sense for me, seeing how I view the world today. So meeting with this, rather enthusiastic woman even, was really refreshing. Trying not to think much further, I'd really like to get to know this woman.
Sometimes I wonder if I put too much relationship-based stuff into this. Although it's my personal memo, I'd like to be able to get people to think about things I talk about. When I first started to write, it was mostly supposed to be stuff that everyone can relate to. Now it's mostly personal details. Thinking further, it's become more like my personal thought diary. Dear diary blah blah, I suppose.
I'm the kind of person who skips small talk; I go deeper. Usually when I want people to know what I'm like, I might talk about stuff that's very related to what's in my head. Perhaps not this level of deepness you're reading, but the kind of scratching the surface, you know. Trying to smash through the ice. I'm the kind of person whose behavior and principles are greatly influenced by quotes. Quotes like:
"Don't buy things, buy experiences."
"Don't give your children what you wish you had, teach them what you wish you knew."
"Don’t promise when you are happy, don’t reply when you are angry, and don’t decide when you're sad."
"An always clean home is a sign of a wasted life."
..Just to name a few. These kind of statements really act as guidelines.
Life and death.
Let's talk about suicide. I'm not gonna lie, the idea has come to mind more frequently than ever before, I think. I used to be a bullied child during elementary school, that is when I also thought of suicide ever so often. But I was a child back then, probably around the age of 9 or 10.
Not to belittle a child's capability to ponder heavy matters, but now that I'm a full grown adult and double the age I was back then, you do not view the world as simply as you used to. Today, if I think of ending my own life, it is not for the sake of being dark and angst but for deeper reasons. Reason being, I do not see the point in living.
What is the meaning of life? It's often asked around the globe. It may vary from person to person. Some people find survival being the reason we're here. Some find living to the fullest and become successful. Some find enlightment from religion. I do not believe in one purpose, but believe that the question itself is subjective.
My own life goals do not involve owning a property or a car. Not sure if I even want any children of my own. I don't know if I'd become a good enough father for my children to look up to. I take these things very seriously. My personal meaning of life is to see and experience as much as I can and find the person I'm gonna stay with the rest of my life. Of course, these preferences change as I grow older and wiser.
What I'm telling is how I've been feeling in recent memory.
What's the meaning of life? Right now, not so sure. Like I said earlier, ending my own life every now and then sounds pretty appealing. At least I would get rid of these feelings inside me. The moment you think you've gotten over whatever hurt you, it always comes back. I'm not gonna repeat myself, but I feel pretty grim and depressed right now.
One friend of mine suggested I go see a psychiatrist. It's free of charge where I live. Indeed, it would make sense as all I do is talk about these things. Not necessarily with others but myself. I do not consciously seek pity from others. I know in reality I wish for it, but try my best to avoid searching for it on purpose.
In reality, I know well enough to not do anything to myself that I would regret. Dead people don't regret so I'm just going to contradict myself. I'm aware that many people are gonna miss me. Somehow I feel self-centered as I say that, but the truth is that there will be a fair number of people left grieving if I commit suicide. That fact alone cannot be dismissed. Better let time heal the wounds it's caused.
The rat race.
People who know me personally, are aware of the fact I dislike the mold society tries to shape us in. You know, like studying for high degree certificates, building a house and working on a 40-year career. Life is too short for all that.
Again, I don't judge people for having their priorities vary from mine. Just like I don't expect judgment from others in return. Of course, most of the great events and innovations in history would have been left undone if everyone had the same priorities as I have.
I just find my lifetime to be way too short to just be doing the nine-to-five job until you retire. That's why I don't feel the need to live the so-called "American dream" or whichever nation's dream it may be. No house or car mortgage, hopefully no car and no business. I leave all that to those who find these values more important than I do and are willing to work long and hard for them.
Repeating myself again, but I'm only twenty years old and already feel like having some kind of mid-life crisis. That makes literally no sense.
I'm feeling better everyday, looking forward to new opportunities. Everyone who managed to go through all this deep shit, thanks. It really means a lot. Soon to get my driver's license, so that's something to look forward to. Also had a couple of encounters with interesting females. Things start looking like there may just be a place for me, too. Just gotta keep searching for it. Going through this memo, I gotta apologize for the trivial way I explain things. Trying to work on that.
Again, thanks for reading. Love ya. Oh, me? You can call me Miko, or my internet alias 'Mikkelson'. Actually, you can call me whatever you want.
(Hello! It's me from the future. As I'm reading through all these ancient texts from back when I started blogging, it's strange to see how differently I'm thinking now, compared. It's also sad to realize how cringy I feel when reading through the melancholic lamenting over the breakup; like I've become more reserved and distant. Can't say I agree with everything this person had to say. Not that it matters, though. The most difficult thing for me, however, was to read through the Continuity. -chapter. I used to be romantic like that but don't feel like sharing those same type of affectionate details anymore. Might be just a phase, I dunno.
This person was just telling “how he's been feeling in recent memory“.)
October 1st, 2017