Wow, it's been a while. Now, merry Christmas and happy holidays if it counts at this point. I've been very busy doing nothing and wallowing in self-pity. I'm single and "liberated", to put it optimistically. This was literally the first year I'd intentionally have absolutely no plans for the holidays or for the upcoming New Year. At last moment's notice I went back home to our mother with my sister and her kids. It was nice and peaceful there although the mood was clearly off. Thankfully the children could enjoy it to the max.
No matter how glad I'm for the general atmosphere of the holidays, I'll also be relieved to see all that pass by this year. I've never felt this depressed through any Christmas until now. Don't think I need to clarify any further without sounding excessively pathetic.
I'm really bad at giving presents..
It's a real headache when your mind is oriented to being minimalistic (or should I say 'simplistic'). For a person like me who's never been any good picking presents for people, now that I'd really like to get some, I chicken out and end up buying none. Not that I'm self-centered or anything, I'm just afraid of the reactions if they weren't up to the expectations. I know I know, it's about the thought. But fuck that, you know the feeling when you get a present and just know by touching the wrapping paper that this ain't going to fancy you in any way. Both, the gifter and the gifted are going to end up uncomfortable and awkward. Ugh.
In contrary, I'd love to gather some folks and have a great time going on a cruise or I don't know, wall-climbing for example and have it on my account. In the end, it'll not be that expensive compared to buying each one their separate presents, and most importantly, there's something to remember in the future.
I'll be real defensive here, okay? Anyone thinking I'm an arrogant jerk just because I didn't get you anything or didn't wish you happy holidays, I find it somewhat uncomfortable if we're not contacting each other anyway. Also because I've had it hard right now. Just the night before Christmas-eve, I was crying my eyes out and thinking about things like self-harming because I feel so meaningless. Isn't it fun when someone gets all fired up without anyone provoking or offending them? You're welcome.
I could put together a few puppies from the dust piling up in my inbox. Seems no one is sending me mail. (subtle hint here and there) Seriously though, there's been a thought bothering about being single. The thing is, I feel sorry for myself and feeling down just for the fact I'm alone. But then again, who'd want to be with a dude who's like that? It's like I'd have to be someone I am not and shelter my true emotions behind a mask. It's not like I'm depressed to death, but there are times when I put my mind into it and just lose a sense of purpose. Fortunately mostly there's always something to be happy about that distracts me from those thoughts.
Here's a piece of advice. Whenever someone puts their trust on you to tell that they've been feeling self-destructive, don't tell them straight away to get professional help for their problems. Hear them out and be there for them; I can't stress this enough! Sure, you could suggest them to consider to talk to a professional, but just up dismissing them basically hints "I don't care to hear about your problems. Get treatment and contact me when you're not a negative influence on me." Even when you don't mean that.
Luckily I have yet to encounter such a situation, but all this conjecturing comes from a personal experience. As I mentioned, I've been feeling down lately and at times, really suicidal. May come as a shock to some considering my recovery from the breakup. It's just that people got their own problems and I feel like it's not worth their time to listen to my SELF-INFLICTED issues.
I emphasize that word because I live in a fantasy world where these kinds of mental issues are linked to your attitude. If you want to feel sad, you sure as hell will be sad. It would be extremely insensitive to tell someone with a chronic depression to "Lighten up, will you? It's all in your head, you just need to be happy and resolve your problems." Just because I tell myself that on a daily basis, doesn't mean it'll be justified with anyone else. I just have my own way of thinking.
I haven't properly talked to anyone about these things in a long time because I feel like they don't care. I've been trying to cut the deep stuff to a minimum, which doesn't really make sense for me. This blog was created to let people know how I view these matters and now I've been trying to become the appealing funny writer, trying all kinds of jokes and self-irony. In a sense, the direction I had, is lost.
But even I got a Christmas present!
Seeing my nephew and niece receiving such a large quantity of presents remind me of my childhood years, when I'd get excited as ever discovering all those presents under the Christmas tree. Well, Santa didn't forget me entirely! I gladly accepted the sweets and the pair of socks he brought me alongside a single envelope. Inside the envelope was a lottery ticket and a scratching ticket. I usually don't gamble at all, because of the nonexistent odds of winning anything worthwhile. It's much more likely that I'd either lose my money or profit occasionally just to even the losses.
So, I checked the lottery results and found out there wasn't a single correct number, ah well. Then I scratched the other ticket, which also irritatingly teased a large sum of money. No dice. Again, ah well. Then my dear mother politely rejected her own present, which was another scratching ticket. Yet again, the faith I had in my lucky coin was forever lost when I saw that another chance of winning fade away. I'm happy to see the children so happy and busy with their presents but after one miserable lottery ticket and two worthless scratching tickets, it's like a triple fuck-you-in-the-face.
Nah, just kidding. Thanks Santa, may you spend another 364 days idly while we work our asses off, assuming I had a job. We're really grateful, I assure you.
Recognition about your work and lifestyle feels always great. I've picked up a habit of cataloging all my daily routines on a notepad. Things like where I sleep (floor, bed, hammock?), oral hygiene maintenance, vitamin intake, daily stretches, things like that. I don't feel like an OCD, but sometimes when I organize my things, photos or whatever, I find myself unable to stop and have to force myself elsewhere. My older sister was admiring how organized I am when she saw my small, labeled bags containing various iPhone spare parts across the table while repairing her iPhone.
I must admit, this post was mostly forced just for the lack of motivation lately. Ironically, ever since writing about projects, I've been laying low. I just lack the energy and eager people to participate in these projects.
It took me nearly two weeks to complete this blog entry; I apologize for the incoherent structure. I really need to get my shit together and "organize" the mess in my head. Check out my other stuff for the time being. Thanks, love ya.
"When you get too comfortable, that's when you stop growing." -Somebody
What you should listen to right now to feel me: Infinity – LEMMiNO
January 2nd, 2018