XXV -New beginnings
Start writing. Make it sound good for a while. Experience writer's block. Get upset and forget about it. Neglect the draft for another week and feel kinda bad about it. Come back to it (mentally, not literally in front of the computer) and dismiss it. Check the old content again for improvement. Decide that the unfinished mess is a load of garbage and delete the whole thing. Then try something else. Let me proudly present to you: "How to be an amateur writer with a crisis that's impossible to cope with 101."
When you casually meet/phone someone, do you have a quick exchange? Or do you start discussing something without the greeting instead?
When deciding to test out something you haven't done before, why is it called prejudice if you think negatively of it but open-mindedness if you don't?
While you think procrastinating makes it easier for you, even procrastinating in itself is energy-consuming.
The way of saying "look into someone's eyes" is false, you only look at either eye.
The greatest artists are never recognized in their own time.
Even in today's busy world, it's good to sometimes just forget about everything and try to find peace from within.
You ever heard of a meditation retreat? One of the first visual novels I read last year contained a story about a girl living in a highly religious environment. A house of sisters, if you will. There's a chosen one who must repent to a curse (or something like that). One must be quiet, without speech, for seven hundred years. As you figured out, one person cannot possibly accomplish such a feat. When the previous chosen one dies, the next one takes their place. After one another, it keeps happening until the time is up.
So, this got me thinking. What would it be like it you were forbid of speech? And I came across this thing called 'meditation retreat', which is exactly that. Well, partly anyway. You see, being quiet is only a part of it. They forbid you of reading, writing, consuming any media or as you guessed it, conversing. There's also the meditation part, which carries a huge role in all of that. You spend most of your waking hours meditating and finding your inner peace, rid of the busy world. As I understand, the meditation technique is called Vipassana. Right now, I'm really hyped to get to try it out!
I am done. I feel hypocritical and worthless, to be honest. I was working a real job first time since I started blogging back in October. The job is actually quite simple but hard work. I liked being there and there was no real problems. The contract was for last week only; five days equals forty hours. So, what am I whining about? Well..
Just being back in the routine of daily labor got me thinking about numerous things. First and topmost, the time. Oh boy, the time! Time spent at work and not doing the things I'm actually used to doing in my daily life. Stuff like writing, piano, seeing friends, studying languages, exercising and just having time to kind of relax and play. About ten hours of your day being sliced away skims a lot (this includes morning routines, transportation and showering afterwards). Still, it was only five days and I'm back to doing those things, right? Yeah.. except when you're like me and start worrying about the future.
I'm having a crisis. I'm happy to have so much going on, but at the same time I could just cry and be miserable. Reality hits hard! I've grown into this personality who wants to do everything and be everyone (and be everyplace). That's why I have so many hobbies. At the same time I gotta keep a grip on my social life and keep myself in shape. Then there's the matter of writing, which has only gone downwards. I don't feel like I have enough time to do everything I want to do.
And why do I worry about this so much?
If I struggle to find the time right now, how can I be sure this isn't the case in the future? It's easy to work five days and cut off your time elsewhere. When you get a long-term job, however, it's pathetically easy to fall into the endless routine. The "oravanpyörä" (rat race) as we call it in Finnish. I know too many people whose daily errands consist of work-home-relax, sleep and repeat. Truth be told, that sounds an extremely dissatisfying way to live your life. But that's just me. It's fine if you're cut out for that sort of life, it's got nothing to do with me.
What do most of us work for? Money. Ability to stay afloat. It's only the select few who are able to cherish their work throughout their careers. The rest of you are forced to work in order to maintain a family, house and all sorts of mortgages. I've been told if you get a job you love, you don't have to work a single day. Get it? Unfortunately, I don't think there's a job like that in existence. Not a single one, anyway.
Point being, most of us don't bother to challenge this lifestyle. I mean, do what you want with your lives, I ain't attacking your position. I'm just willing to bet you don't deliberately put away a slice of your income for saving. Some people don't save at all. Some people have toxic purchasing habits and end up doing half-assed investments. Even I'm guilty of spending my cash irresponsibly instead of saving, occassionally. You know, excitedly spending money after your payday but conserving the rest of it up 'til the next paycheck cashes in. Living paycheck-to-paycheck. Alas, this is how you get stuck and dependent. Some people save money up to a limit and have that be their "rainy-day fund", which in itself doesn't make much sense.
Why stop saving after you reach the first milestone when you can keep up instead? For an instance, I've never known anyone who saves money gradually to enable an early retirement. Lifestyles aside, I plan to raise a growing fund once I get a long-term job. Filling my piggy banks to the lid and then perhaps investing in stockmarkets and mutual funds, stuff like that. If you receive a full salary and live a modest life (preferably with someone to share the costs of living), there's a high chance of you being able to save a considerable sum in a short period. Money doesn't bring happiness, but it brings freedom.
So, what's going on with me right now?
I got a developmental crisis after toppling a long-term existential crisis, partly due to that exact reason. Finally arriving to the subject at hand, let me explain my current situation.
What I'm experiencing is completely natural and normal for anyone stepping into adulthood and independence. I lack the talent to write a professional paragraph about it, so long story short..
In January I suffered a bit of blueness and suicidal thoughts, accompanied with/tied to an existential crisis. After getting over that, I began writing the-now-ongoing visual novel, Mens'est Artifex - Five Viewpoints. At the same time, a thought occured to me:
There's nothing keeping me here, right now. No job, no partner, no nothing. So I applied to a vocational school in another region and got accepted later in April. I got an apartment just a few weeks ago and am preparing for the move-in.
Most of my contacts, friends 'n family and the like reside within short range. By leaving to study elsewhere, I'm sacrificing the convenience of seeing those people, you know, conveniently.
I still live with my parents. Always have. At the age of 21 it's a good leap forward to gain independence (although, for years there's always been like, months when my mother would stay at her partner's place and our apartment would be all for myself.) and try to find my way.
The move-in is near mid-August. Next Tuesday me, both my siblings and my sister's younglings will be traveling to Denmark. That's going to take about a week or so. I've got time to relax in waterparks and Legoland before my ultimate demise. The bicycle milestone through Finland in vertical length. I've dreamt of bicycling across the Finland landscape in it's entirety for years now. So together with my father, we planned the whole thing through and we'll be driving to Nuorgam in 23th of July.
Finland's latitude to longitude ratio is about 1:3. Our country might look small on your map but reaches almost 1,500 kilometers in vertical length. No biggie. I just gotta practise and psych myself properly for it, hehe. So yeah, after we come back from Denmark, this journey takes place right next in the schedule. The whole thing is planned to take two and a half weeks, which places me on the school chair immediately afterwards, in this new city.
The essential outro to any Entry:
Despite none of you paying attention, I apologize to MYSELF for letting such a delayed scribble to be published. I haven't written in a while due to the stuff happening right now. I'll be recording my thoughts and progress through the two weeks lasting agony. Be waiting for "Bicycling through Finland". Be waiting on that, boiii. Love ya!
"Row row row your boat, fuck it up and scream. Merrily merrily merrily merrily crashing through the stream." -Me foreshadowing my future
What you should listen to right now to feel me: Horror Show - CG5
And while you're feeling me, check this out: Labyrinth - CG5
I'm not even religious, dude: Amen - CG5
July 14th, 2018