IV -Speak up

I had a deep conversation with a close friend of mine. It opened my eyes in a way. Each and every conversation is different and valuable. He again reminded me how every person is unique. I will probably never find anyone who is as clingy as me. I mean, humans are social animals sure, but I can't find comfort in being alone and single. Worst part in all this, I think I blew my chance with an amazing girl I met just a while ago and had such great chemistry with. We even kissed several times. Then later the next day I heard that in fact, she feels kind of repressed by my need to see her constantly. There's also that we have a long distance between us. Felt like a breakup all over again. I feel like everything I'm about to tell you has already been said. That's what makes it so difficult to find a topic to untangle.


Lately I've made the decision of going to see the psychiatrist. After a long debate in my head, there's no other choice. You see, whenever I find a new potential partner and all seems smooth and good, that's when I get all cheery and actually satisfied with my life. When I find a doubt in a newfound friend- or relationship, the opposite thing happens. It's one mad, lengthy fucking rollercoaster. That's my problem exactly. As stated a million times, I find it hard to be alone. Me being alone, determined to find a new partner because not feeling loved is the worst feeling in the world is what is causing me all this agony inside.


I've been telling myself "Crying does not make you weak", "It's okay to be vulnerable" and "You're a handsome and caring person who will do great things to those you love". And guess what, it's true. I just broke a tear writing this. The most important thing to understand though, is that you must be aware of your symptoms and recognize the problem. It's essential in order to make things better for yourself and those around you. With me being the emotional mess inside my head, I see no better option than to seek professional help.

Wow, I guess that's how you generate a wall of text.


Funny how, when you call to a psychiatrist office, they tell you all about these treatment plans and medications for those who need one. About recovery in general. I feel like they already treat me like a madman. I mean, the woman speaking to me had a very kind and gentle voice and thanked me for contacting them and seeking professional help. Of course, there's all sorts of people calling that number, most with significantly bigger problems than me. It's not like I have depression or difficulties reading my mood levels. The reason I called them in the first place was to have same kind of conversations I have with my friends, but with a professional point of view.


Funny how about two months back, I'd mention that regardless of these sad periods and constant worry about a variety of things, I still view myself as a generally positive person. I'm usually an optimist, but have a realistic side in me as well. I usually try not to worry about things that don't matter. After that breakup, though, I am not so sure. I'm still sure I don't have depression in me. The most visible symptoms I read are difficulties performing everyday tasks, troubles getting out of bed, extreme lack of happiness and lost sense of purpose. It's quite the opposite.


These last couple of months I've been more active and "sporty" than I've ever been before in my life. I'm unable to keep still, so I need to kill time doing exercise, which also burns out any excessive energy inside me. Loss of motivation and loneliness are the only traits I could agree on. Also, I have this blog here which helps me vent some nasty feelings that I don't want to bother my friends with too often.


Here's for your judgment, dear reader. Yesterday I had this lovely chat with a close friend I mentioned earlier and I told him:


            "You know, now that we've had this talk I feel better. But after I step out that door and start communicating with myself again, it takes about two to three hours until the feeling becomes unbearable again. I feel special in a way that if I got no one to talk nor write anywhere and had nothing to do in general but ponder these things, it'd take me around 24 hours to kill myself, just because the thoughts bloat so quickly. If you had to come up with an effective punishment for me, for whatever reason, isolate me."

He then replies me with:


            "The contrast between us is fascinating. You're the kind of person who loves to hang out with people and take great responsibility in your relationships with others while I on the other hand am perfectly fine with seeing a friend on rare occasions. Many times I've had to remind myself to get out more and see someone. Being the introvert that I am. Last years I've made great progress in that field, but have a long way to go if I ever want to reach your level. Besides, I am quite happy with the way I am."


Of course, I won't blame him. Used to be like him and kinda wish I still were. Maybe this is just a phase. Nevertheless, I wish things were easier on me. Lately I've been having this rough view of life. No one really cares if you feel emotionally upset; why would they? That's just the primordial way it's always been. Life is about survival. When you think about all the animals that's kept in line and butchered everyday, all the prisoners and people in developing countries and concentration camps, who is there for them? It's just the cruel reality that we're all on our own, ultimately. We in the first world are lucky that so much effort and funds are placed in mental health and support, so that there's always someone you can talk to.

I think it's time to stop here.


I have this constant problem of not getting my point across the clear way, but zig-zag around the topic for eternity. Repeating the same topics is on that list too. I just have one question for you.


Do I have a problem with myself, or am I just a wanderer desperately trying to find the one person that's made for me and have them fullfill my life? It's not right if you don't see a purpose in living alone, either. Funny how earlier today I stated to the woman on the phone:


            "I've been planning to call here for weeks and finally made the desicion to do so. It's just that I experience a lack of motivation and loneliness."


Lonely, me? Don't make me laugh. I probably spend the most time with someone else, how can I call myself lonely? I'll leave that judgment to someone else.


Next time I'll try to find a more productive subject to discuss on. I'm still working on my English writing skills, hoping to have a wider variety of vocabulary in the future. Thanks for having me, love you all.









October 19th, 2017

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