XXII -The theory of insignificance
Friday, 13th of April, 4pm.
Gosh, I'm so excited! If this weekend got cancelled, I would be so upset! The party lasts only for two days, though. But no need to think about that, let's just enjoy this moment. This might just be the last birthday party I'll be able to pull like this."
Sunday, 15th of April, 4pm.
Memorable things happened here. Alas, those moments always come to pass ever so quickly. Why must these gatherings be so rare? It's easy for me to complain when I've got about twenty-four hours of spare-time every single day. Unlike others. Times like these, I must abandon the feeling of sorrow and remind myself of one of the many quotes I have grown to appreciate. "Don't grieve because it's over. Be happy because it happened." It's this kind of optimism that could bring happiness into people's minds instead of complaining like I did just a minute ago.
Even my internal monologue sounds poetic. So yeah, I've turned 21. The age that differs so little from the last. Gone are the years where you could treat every year as a milestone, bringing you more power and abilities to keep you excited. You grow in strength, being the bigger you annually! The nerd that I am, I like to think of it as a level-up once a year, doesn't that sound exciting?
What happens when you stop receiving new powers and strengths? Well, I guess I'm about to find out soon enough. They say that when you enter your thirties, that's when you start falling. It's up to you to bring a parachute or to freefall the whole way. In other words, make your decisions early and thus control the speed of your fall.
Stop to think. Who are you?
You are who you are and I am who I am. There's not much that can be done to make you the opposite of what you are, am I right? If you wanted to change your personality, the effort would have to come from within. Even then it wouldn't be a cakewalk. Because we are who we are.
Now, let me ask you a few questions. Why are you like that? What makes you like something and dislike something else? Why do you choose to live like you do right now? What made you make the decisions that you made? Have you ever thought that instead of doing what you do, you could do stuff differently? You see, I don't believe in fate or any of that. I believe that we all live in this one timeline and there's no alternatives appearing everytime we make a decision.
In my opinion, true interpersonal wisdom comes from the ability to understand why someone is like they are. Instead of wondering how a work-a-holic can enjoy working so much, you need to ask yourself why they enjoy it. Not to diss the older generation, but it's much more common for older people to think that their way is the only correct one and what younger folks do is not as good. For example, four older members of my family have shared the following statements with me that I find narrow-minded. These statements are partly true, but views differ from person-to-person.
Exhibit A: "Are you seriously thinking that you don't want to have children? I think that without children, there's not really much meaning."
Exhibit B: "As long as you're working for someone, you can never be rich."
Exhibit C: "There's no way you're going hitchhiking! You can never know who you might end up with and what could happen on the way!"
Exhibit D: "You should keep this stuff just in case! There's no reason to put them to waste if you'll come to need it someday."
And finally the statement that I keep hearing from literally everyone I tell this to:
"You sleep on the hard floor? Isn't that, like, bad for your back and all??"
I respect other peoples' opinions, sure. But when an opinion gets generalized, that's where I draw the line. Refering back to the initial argument; you are who you are and I am who I am. That brings me to the subject at hand, a craft of my own philosophy.
The theory of insignificance.
When I look into the dark night sky, rather than seeing the observable universe and all it contains, I see meaninglessness. Meaninglessness that is Earth, me, everyone I know and don't know and what we do. The big picture doesn't include us, because we are small and futile. Ultimately, the general state of the universe will carry on as always, as if we never existed. This is what I see when I look into the starry sky. Basically, nothing you do matters.
But guess what, big guy? Here's a newsflash: It doesn't change anything. The fact that nothing matters, doesn't matter. As people, that doesn't make us, amongst each other, any less valuable. I dare you not to think there's a contradiction to what I just told you. For you see, to me it helps think of life as a sort of "waiting room". We come in, pick stuff to occupy ourselves and then leave. You interact with others in the waiting room and create relationships with them. However, when your time comes, you drop what you're doing and wave goodbye to these new friends with a smile. That's how it's supposed to be.
To me, when I look into the starry sky, it's a burden off my chest, a relief. To realize that the little things don't matter. That I may separate myself from the bigger herd and try something new, risking myself getting embarrassed or hurt doing so. That I don't need to be afraid of doing things and not be doing other things. To be myself. That I don't need to be afraid of my turn to leave. That it doesn't really matter what I do, as long as I enjoy doing it and feel it's right. Only this year I've caught on this philosophy and I feel like it's already made me a lighter and better person. Fortunately, improvement and exploring never stops, take it as you may.
How did that make you feel?
As an epilogue, let me entertain you with a woesome tale of me losing something very important to me a few weeks back. This is my experience with Murphy's Law (Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.) Or would you rather have me shove it through the Google Translate Treatment(tm) again?
Okay, here goes:
I've been selling videogames that offer no purpose for me any longer. The procedure is traditional and simple. I put up a notice on an online marketplace. A potential buyer contacts me and we make a deal. They pay me the sufficient sum and I send the package their way, then we never have to talk again and everything's fine. Yay. Sometimes lady luck can be a bitch. (Awh, who am I kidding. There's no such thing as luck, only my own carelessness. It's just fun to put the blame on others.)
26th of March. One o'clock, afternoon:
"Alright! I'll just get this letter to the post office and then I'm gone to the library to make some sweet sweet creative narrative progress!"
At the post office:
"What do you mean it doesn't classify as a letter?"
"Sir, this package is clearly too thick to fit a mail slot. Like this, it has to be registered as a package. The price for delivery is 8,60€ if you've got the recipient's phone number, more if you don't. There's also a self-service locker system that will cost you 5,90€." (Well, if you call three millimeters a "clear" difference, sure.)
Well damn. I sold this PS2 camera for 4,50€ including P&P and now I'll have to pay more for the shipping alone? (A letter would have cost 2,70€ at most, which I took into account in the listing.) What a time to be alive. Better I head for the locker thingy.
In front of the "Smart-Post" lockers:
With my debit card in hand, I begin inputting the necessary information so I'll get it done and over with. It's unhealthy to delay creative processes, goddammit! I'm already running off-track with the initial plan.
"Recipient's phone number?"
What? Here, too? Whaddaya know, Teppo (the buyer) never told me their phone number. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'll send an email requesting their number and meanwhile, I'll be at the library. An ordinary person doesn't answer to an email right away, right?
Somewhere completely different:
Less than ten minutes later, I've already set up my 'work station' at one of the tables. For my own amusement, I decide to check my email. Wow, Teppo replied already. Ah well, I'll just send the thing after I'm done here.
We agreed on a few games of pool with a friend, less than three hours later. My day is coming up nicely. I'll go deliver the thing and be done with it. Then we'll go play and if there's any time after that, I could use it to write some more.
In front of the "Smart-Post" lockers again:
Well.. Fuck. Okay, so, I'm back here again, sure. With the phone number, no less. This time the problem wasn't a piece of information or anything like that.. Namely, where the hell did I put my goddamn debit card?! I compulsively check my wallet half a dozen times and all of my pockets equally. Dang, it's nowhere to be found. You need to pay for the service digitally. Cash, why did you have to fail me at such a miserable moment? It's like 4pm right now and I'm about three hours late from my initial plan. As an added bonus, I've lost my money card.
I begin asking about it from nearby cashiers and employees with little result. They guide me upstairs to the info desk. It makes sense to bring a lost card there.
"Yeah, hey. No one wouldn't happen to return a lost debit card here, would they?"
"When did you lose it?"
"About two or thre---"
"Nope, isn't here."
I've got one more option. I'm sure this is where I handled the card and thus be the place where it got separated from my delightful ownership. It could have slid underneath the lockers. A moment later, I'm crawling across the floor, pointing a flashlight to illuminate the narrow opening. Just a bunch of dust on top of dust. Well, that's that. Now I look like an idiot who wanted to admire a dude's legs who just happened to operate the machine while I was under him. A day in the life.
I called to kill the card, requested another one and asked a friend to help me finally deliver the damn thing. At 7pm, it's finally done. Not less than six hours late from my initial plan. As always, everything got sorted out and I got to carry on with my life as normal.
Let this be some sort of lesson for you, pair of eyeballs. If nothing, at least you're educated about what shipping costs in Finland (Until the prices change and this information becomes useless.)
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
(Mikä ei tapa, vahvistaa.)
What kills someone else, helps you live longer.
(Mikä tappaa jonkun toisen, opettaa.)
I've been having a sort of hiatus from all the writing lately. I'd like to excuse myself for being sooo busy (i.e. playing games) but I'm afraid there's a writer's block running amok. Yeah, that sweet thing.
"Resentment & Remorse leave no room for growth and there is no future in past." -Aijaz (Quora)
What you should listen to right now to feel me: Poor Misguided Fool – Starsailor
And while you're feeling me, check this out: Alcoholic – Starsailor
Can't have two without the third. Here: Tie Up My Hands - Starsailor
April 24th, 2018